Torn

First off, let me say that I LOVE my job. I LOVE working from home. I LOVE being here with my kids.

I am tired. I am torn between all of the things that I have to do daily. Since being off for our two week break I have been having a REALLY hard time getting back into work-mode. I just can't seem to get much done each day. I am not giving anything 100% of my attention at any time throughout the day.

Somehow I am supposed to take care of a 1 year old clingy little princess, take care of a 3 year old independent and quite moody 3 year old, take care of my 3rd child, aka Diabetes, attempt to clean my house, attempt to get laundry done, think about what we are having for dinner, spend some time with my husband, take care of myself (yeah right!), and oh yeah, there is that work thing too.

How am I supposed to get all of this done. How in the world have I been doing this for almost 3 years.

Of course it was much easier when The Superhero was a baby. I just had one kid to attend to while working full time. It was easy back then.

Then Diabetes got thrown in there. I was still handling it fine. Getting my work done.

Then The Princess was born. It was still pretty easy when she was little. She did not do much but sit in her bouncy seat and watch me work. Or I would put her in the sling and get my work done.

I don't know why it is all starting to get to me now.

The kids are older and needing my attention more. The Superhero and The Princess can be playing super nice one minute and the next minute he is biting her on the face. (yes, this actually happened this week!)

Diabetes is being difficult since The Superhero got sick last week and needing my attention more.

How do I say no when The Superhero is saying "Mommy, I NEED you!" or "Mommy, I WANT you".

The problem is, I can't say no. Then my work gets neglected. I am keeping up with the time sensitive stuff. But LOTS of things that NEED to get done are NOT getting done. I keep making To Do lists that just keep growing.

I am so torn between doing all of these things and not one of them is getting my full attention at any given moment during the day. I am tired of being pulled in so many directions.

I wish I could "just" be a stay at home mom. Maybe then I could focus on my kids more. I know there is NO WAY this could happen right now. I NEED my job. We need the crappy insurance and we need the income desperately.

I wish I could afford to hire someone once a week to help me with the kids so I can focus on work and get tons done during that time. Even if I could afford it, finding someone willing to learn all about that third child would be too difficult.

I am just exhausted and emotional today. I am drained. I hate Wednesday's. (Rod has school on Wednesday's and I am on my own with the kids. He will be done in a few months) For some reason just knowing I have to deal with the "jobs" above ALL day and night on my own is overwhelming sometimes.

Luckily I get to escape for a bit tonight. So what if it is for a work marketing event. I will be leaving the kids with my parents for a couple of hours which will be nice. Of course, I will be thinking about all of the other things that I need to get done tonight.

Well, thanks for listening to my vent. I know I am not the only D-mom who has to work full time. I am just having a hard time with it "all" today.

Back to work...or kids...or cleaning... ahhhh who knows.